I'm not dead

Hello all! :bademoticon: 

Why I have been "away"

I know its been a looooooooong while since I put up a journal. Its been a long feeling year to say the least. Its also been a fairly dark one for me and I guess I didn't want to come on and just be this dark cloud ruining all your sunny days. But I guess its time for it to rain?  

So its been a bit rough. Lost my second pregnancy on March 1. Depressed. Stressed. Sadly even having suicidal thoughts. Most of that is build up between still my mothers death in 2013 and now losing both of my daughters. I havent done anything physical to myself but the thoughts are there, they come and go.... :bademoticon: 

I've been mostly stressed about, what else, money. Dan still doesnt have a job yet. I'm even looking for something part time so I dont risk losing my disability. But no luck so far and honestly I have ZERO idea why! I'm trying to be hopeful; for money, for babies... honestly I'm just trying to keep any sliver of hope alive for anything positive to come in our lives. Sadly I feel like I have zero hope left. You would think me being a hopeless romantic and hardcore Sailor Moon fan that I would know better, be better then having the feeling that my hope is dead and gone but .... I cant help but feel that way.  

So many times in my head its nothing but negativity; "Youre a failure! You'll never have your own children! You are worthless, talent-less, useless! No one would miss you! No one would care if you were gone! You'll never lose wait to have babies!! You're a fat blob! You make your husband miserable!! You're just bringing him down into the darkness with you! Hes better off leaving you! You killed your babies!!!! You didn't do enough to save your mother!! You're stupid!!" etc, etc, etc.  

Ive cried to my husband how I feel like a hallow, empty shell. Ive said all of those words to him and he does his best to tell me no and just hold me.  

Its funny I'm listening to my "feel good" music playlist and im still fighting tears heh... I'm ok  

I feel no passion for writing, editing, reviewing or drawing like I use to have. I only joined the Senshi Idol Contest so id have a reason to draw!! If that wasnt going on you wouldnt have seen any art from me for weeks! Months!! :bademoticon: 

I want those passions back!!! I want to be who I feel I use to be. Hopeful, a fighter, passionate, etc.  

I am trying to embody the lessons of Sailor Moon. Love is powerful and strong. Hope gives strength when you feel you have none left. But I just feel like none of that is left so its hard to fight through all the darkness and negativity that is in my head. To push on. Make myself do SOMETHING to get back into it.... I dont know...  

I'd like to think I'm doing baby steps? I've been trying to pursue more voice over projects since at the least it seems that voice acting is one of the view things I still enjoy and want to actively do. Id love to be "discovered" and be a character on a series! lol  

So more or less thats how I have been the past view months....but...even though I do feel all that way I have been feeling, today at least, I would like to be a bit more active. Even on my twitter! Some how I have a hair over 100 followers but Ive rarely used it except to re-tweet some articles. So I hope to maybe be a bit more vocal on it. Like even how I use to tweet I was about to see a movie then make a quick note afterwards lol  


Whats been going on?

  I have joined New U again and have been back on my "wonderful" diet to loose weight so I can try and lose 200lbs and then have babies. However I am not that patient and Dan and I are considering trying again when I get probably somewhere between 300-350lbs. Currently I still haven't even lose ALL the "baby weight" I gained between the two of them. I started at 370 something when I got pregnant the first time and was over 400lbs when I got pregnant the second time. My last weigh in with the second pregnancy before we lost her was 430 something. Ive lost maybe almost 20lbs since my last pregnancy so I'm still over 400 but I'm trying. Honestly Id feel happy when I'm back under 400 at this point or even better be back to my original weight before getting pregnant the first time.

  I am DYING waiting to hear SOMETHING about Sailor Moon Crystal season 4 with the Dark Moon Circus! My favorite arc in the manga was the Stars saga so ive been DYING AGAIN for Crystal to get to that arc because there are SOOOOOOOOOOOOO many moments ive been waiting to see animated!!! Namely at the end of the arc.

  Dan and I got rear ended this past monday! That was fun. We were at a red light. The traffic was a bit backed up and a car behind us decided to change lanes last minute and so the older couple in the car behind them didnt have the time to stop and then BAM!!! Honestly i had been having a bad day and didnt sleep much the night before so I wasnt paying attention (Dan was driving). I honestly thought he maybe hit something at first. When I realized what was going on I got out of the car. Check the damage for a second then went over to the other car and asked them if they were OK. Happily no one was hurt at all. Everyone was really just shaken up. I'll be getting my bummer and trunk door repaired by the couples insurance. If you guys REALLY want to (for you who have bothered to read this part lol) let me know and I'll put up some of the pictures. Honestly we are thankful that it wasnt worse. The older couples car got the worse of it. My SUV is a tough bitch! lol

  We have finally named our daughters. After we lost the second pregnancy Dan's mom Angela came for a visit (she had been planning to come out to help us with the baby). It was a lovely visit and a nice distraction from what had happened. I was happy I got to form more of a relationship with my mother-in-law. It was her that named our daughters. My family isnt the most religious but we do have our beliefs and Angela told me she talks to the girls. She named them Rebecca and Paige so she can talk to them. Rebecca was what Dans name would have been if he was a girl, her name is for our first baby. I believe Angela just liked Paige so thats why she named our second daughter that. The names grew on me and Dan so we have refered to them by those names now. Rebecca would have been turning 1 this month on the 10th if the pregnancy had followed thru....
  Dan and I semi dressed up for Halloween!! lol as a VERY loosey goosey Joker and Harley. I cant believe I didnt think of putting those pictures up on here!! >_< I'll put em up soon lol

  I'm still hoping Stone Sorceress becomes my main income but I have no idea how to market a 3D animated porn series if you happen to enjoy that sort of thing please let me know and I'll happily give you their patreon!

  I miss being core on here and being able to use pretty skins lol

  TOTALLY CANT WAIT TO GET MY POKEMON MOON GAME!!!  


In closing...  

I'm sorry if I have let any of you down for whatever reason. I love you all forever and can never thank you enough for your support, fandom, friendship and love!






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