What is stronger Sadness or Hope?
I'm sure there can be arguments made on both sides that say they should win.
Hope is the eternal belief that something good and better is out there or waiting for you. That your dreams can come true. That bad things will end and go away. Hope is what has helped many a people in reality and fantasy stay alive and fight. Hope has definitely proven it is a strong contender.
But what about Sadness?
Could it too be just as strong a contender?
Where as Hope has us believe in something better, Sadness seems to have us face what is real to us now, instead of dreaming forward. Sadness also seems to have us see our past as well. All the dark moments.
Moments of pain, suffering, sorrow, hurt, heartbreak. Of physical as well as mental and emotional trauma faced at various points in our lives.
Sadness has become so strong that it has lead to people completely even losing all hope for something better, or that they don't even deserve it. Sadness has even taken peoples own lives.
Granted Hope has been able to equally save lives as well.
Allowing yourself to keep Hope alive within can seem a very tiring and even pointless battle indeed. So why even bother? Why continue to hope for something, anything at all?
Is it not easier, far easier to just continue to feel Sadness? To let it eventually consume you and talk you down into believing you are not entitled to have something better in your life?!
Sadness is a starving creature that just consumes more and more if you allow it. You could loose yourself in it very easily. Dwelling on past and current things that have lead you to it does nothing but feed it more.
Humans have free will. We are given a choice, always! It is always up to us which to choose.
Do we choose sadness? That just leaves us alone in the dark being eaten alive to the point we let it kill us?
Or do we choose Hope? Something that is said to be a glimmering light that can give us strength and have us believe in even ourselves when Sadness just talks us down to nothing.
Sadness consumes the more you dwell on it. Hope can have an amazing strength with even the tiniest flicker of its light.
Which would you chose?
Sarah *STAR* Gettinger 2/22/2014
You all have come to know I have apparently turned DA journals into my own personal blogs so to say. I have posted many different and intimate personal things on here. Weather to just vent, ask for advice or help or just to tell you guys something I think you all would like.
The past week has been a very hard one for me here in real life. The thing that made it kind of bad was that it was all seeming to be one hit after another all starting on my mothers birthday (2/19) then the news about me knees (2/20)
The knees are themselves an issue I'm trying to learn to deal with, accept and progress but...it was also the last straw on a pile of stresses, worries, fears, concerns and pessimism I already have in my life.
I have been dealing with alot of different issues, many of which are things I can not change or control. I have a problem with accepting those kinds of situations most of the time. I also tend to over think things and even worse think and worry about things to far ahead I have no control over.
The stress of not having an income, waiting for Dan, the loss of my Mother, the loss of all the moments with her (when I get married, get pregnant, have children), trying to loose weight, fear of being unable to get pregnant, fear of not being able to lose weight so I can get pregnant, fear of potentially needed surgery for my knees and so on and so forth are things that are almost constantly on my mind.
This past Saturday (2/22/2014) I had a moment where I snapped from all of it and found myself in a very, very dark place.
I have, a while ago, been diagnosed with depression as most of you may know. I, by choice, do not take any kind of medication for it. I feel I know overall what my reasoning for being depressed is and am trying to fix it. Also I do not like how the medications not only kinda fuck around with your body BUT also could make you do the 1 thing youre trying NOT to do, commit suicide.
I am not writing this journal and telling you all this for sympathy or attention. I am writing this as a way of self therapy and also maybe someone reading this could help themselves as well.
As sad, angry, depressed and so on I have been through out my life I would be lying if i said i have never thought about suicide. Between normal teenage crap of being teased because of my weight, the constant putting MYSELF down, telling myself that i'm fat and ugly. I'm not allowed to be loved by someone or be happy. To have dreams and even try for them. The stress of everyday life. Yes I have thought of suicide. In the past I have even hurt myself. One point in high school I had gone into such a daze about my weight i was scratching away at my stomach. By the mourning not only was my stomach red and sore but it looked like a cat had been using my stomach for a scratching post for several hours.
When Mom died I knew if I did not have the strongest want of NOT wanting my brother to be alone I probably would have killed myself, even though I still had Dan. Loosing my mother has been the absolutly worst thing to ever happen in my life!! Loosing her hit me way harder then I ever couldve imagined. But as I said I didnt want Adam, my brother, to be alone so I fought thru that darkness and here I am. No self harm inflicted at all.
But...in my weakest time in my entire life, for the first time, this Saturday I had actually considered suicide.
There are a few things I hate more then anything. 1 is feeling like i'm being ignored (like in a conversation) and 2 which I hate more then feeling ignored is feeling weak! Now of course I know better and that it is more then OK to but I do not like crying. I feel weak when I cry. But since Moms birthday I have cried atleast 1x everyday. Today at the moment is the first day I have not cried.
Ironically enough my own, personal, viewpoint on suicide many people probably wont agree with. (I say ironically because even though i have this opinion on suicide I still contemplated it) I find people who commit suicides cowards. I feel sorry for the lose of their life of course and the loss they have given to their beloved friends and family. I personally feel there is always a choice and help compared to killing yourself.
I had looked around my room figured all the stuff of mine Adam could sell for extra money. My Sailor Moon collection alone is worth a couple thousand dollars. Even figured how I would do it.
Obviously I did not do it.
It was me letting Sadness over take me. I just sat here feeling sorry for myself. I fed the Sadness and anger I have inside me. I felt sorry for myself about all those moments I had wanted with my Mother gone, that my knees are incurable, etc. I talked down to myself saying how I dont deserve Dan and to try for a family. That I wont even get pregnant because i'm to old and fat. That I am worthless and nothing and do not deserve to be happy.
There is no one to blame in that moment then myself because I was doing all of that to myself. And not only did I allow myself to do it in the first place but that I let it get to me.
I let all of that hurt, pain, negativity, fear, all of it get to me. For that brief moment I, the crazy hopeless romantic, Sailor Moon fanatic, that is always there more then willing to be an ear to her friends, to help give guidance and advice, that always believed in love overcoming anything, that believes in Hope, had lost it.
To have finally lost Hope is honestly something I never thought I was even capable of. The feelings I have being around Dan alone were amazing. As I know I've said a thousand times already when he was here I felt nothing in the world could hurt me or us. The stress of being apart and not knowing anything about the status of the visa right now is driving us crazy and is actually putting a strain on the relationship.
I am not proud I had sunk so low and had gotten so weak
So what me not follow thru?
The same thing its been since Mom died, I do not want my brother to be alone. That has been 1 of 2 main reasons. The second is Dan. His so strong a belief that not only will be back together soon but that we will have our happily ever after with our family has been the one thing that has kept a sliver of Hope inside me.
My brother and my to be husband have been the only things keeping me alive in a very long a difficult year for me.
Now I know there are people out there who have it worse. I have friends who have lost their own loved ones to suicide. Its a tragic thing. I am thankful for what I have, very much so. All Saturday was, was me falling out. Breaking down. Giving in to that dark place that is in all of us.
Its only 2 days later but I am calmer, not happier but calmer. I did tell Dan and my brother that I had that moment. Both understandably and rightfully so were angry, hurt and disappointed.
I have many things I need to overcome for myself. I like to think myself as my mothers daughter and that that makes me as strong as she was but having this moment I am doubting that ability now. I can only imagine what my mother may be thinking of me right now.
The bottom line is, no matter what is going on in your life, you need to remember that you ARE worth something to yourself and the people who love you. That you ARE entitled to being happy and having a better life. That you ARE worth being loved and ARE loved!!!!!
Its a hard battle in this world to overcome sadness and to always have some level of hope. Sadly not everyone is strong enough and we lose some wonderful and amazing people. But you have always remember you are important, loved and deserve to find your happiness!!!
I know its hard, I'm fighting with you but you have to keep believing!!!
To go fangirl for a moment, Sailor Moon even had her own doubts:
"Always . . . When I think I'm happy, in the next instant . . . I'm suddenly unsure. I somehow feel this happiness won't last."
but she never gave up! Even when she had lost everything and everyone she loved she still believed. She still had Hope!!! Her having that belief is what saved the Universe!!
"That I've been able to get this far, keep on living, and continue fighting as a Sailor Guardian, is all thanks to my comrades and loved ones! That's what a Sailor Guardian is!!"
Dont let the fact that its a fantasy allow you to brush off the fact that Hope is an amazing thing and gives people all over the world, universe great strength to keep fighting for what they know is right, including fighting for themselves.
"No matter how tough, I want to live this life!"
You are not alone. You are not stupid. You are not ugly. You are not unloved.
There are people around you who love you, who want to help, who believe in you even when you feel youve lost belief in yourself. Its not fair to them for you to disappear and leave them. They want to keep you around forever, why deny them that?!
My name is Sarah Gettinger. I have faced a dark place within myself. I have fought against a strong demon within myself. Though the battle isnt over I have been able to find strength to continue the fight until I win!. I have amazing people who love me. They continue to help give me strength because they love me, believe in me and know I am stronger then I think I am. Its because of the love I have for these people that I choose to stay so I can also protect them.
"The star in my heart please keep shining strong and bring me power to protect those who I love"